Hey, my friends, what is up and welcome back to another episode of Do Life Big. I am so excited to have you here today. And today's episode is actually being recorded while I'm at a hotel in Sarasota, overlooking the water, just taking some time to myself. And today's episode is going to be all about how to stop being a people pleaser and how we can work on improving ourselves because I came up with this one today because I am in this super weird phase of my life right now. Where I'm overthinking and overanalyzing every little thing about my life like I've just become so I don't know if it's philosophical is the word I want to use. Whereas, up until this point, I've always been just very surface level type of person. And this kind of started to take a turn to go this way about five years ago, when my dad almost died from AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia). And even more recently, now, over the last two and a half years or so, where I've known of several people my age, who have died because of like illnesses or cancer, and so has just got me really thinking, I don't know if you can relate to that in any way. But I'm just in this weird era of my life right now. To say the least. And so one of the areas that popped up for me, as I'm going through this is just this whole people-pleasing tendency, you know, and I'm realizing more and more through all of this, that everything I'm struggling to overcome stems from the fact that I lived my entire life as a people pleaser, or by being a peacemaker.
And so today, we're going to spend some time really talking about people pleasing, how we can improve on this, and I'm going to share with you some tips on how to help overcome this too. And I know that this is something that a lot of us are battling or maybe you're even someone who now likes to identify themselves as a, you know, recovering people pleaser. But either way, people-pleasing is a big one. For most of us, I think, you know, when I was growing up, I always tried to please everyone around me. And this is something that I've had to work really hard on, especially over the last 10 to 12 years, I've put so much time and energy, and effort into trying to overcome this and work through this. And so even though I like to call myself a recovering people pleaser, it's definitely still there sometimes, and I will notice it creeping back up. And I feel like now more than ever, I've been much more reflective on myself and on my life. And so maybe that's why I'm noticing this kind of stuff more.
It's just wired into us to do things to get people who we look up to, or who we like or love to like us or love us and accept us. It's really just a part of human nature. And also to, it's also kind of in our society. A lot of times when we're younger, especially, we'll be taught that, you know, if you're a girl, like girls need to be quiet, you need to be polite, you need to act a lady like you've got to help around the house, you need to be a good girl. And when you go out, you got to always look your best. And for some guys, even they're taught that, you know, they need to be tough, they need to be macho, they need to be strong not to be so sensitive, you know, stop acting like a little girl, for example. And this is not obviously how everyone is raised, but a lot of people are. And there are so many different layers to people pleasing. And it's not just from one thing, it's from many different things over all the years. And so even if you grew up in a home where there was no physical violence, for example, but there was constant yelling or screaming or fighting going on, maybe even substance abuse whatever it is, that still takes a toll on you emotionally. And your body keeps track of when this happens, it keeps score of it. So even though your mind may have blocked it out, and you did a really good job of kind of shutting it out, your body still knows because your body keeps score.
So people pleasing, it's just like an onion, there are so many different layers to it. And also to let me just say this, some people think that a people pleaser is just someone who wants everyone to like them. But a true people pleaser is someone who is controlled by the feeling that they need to be a certain way, they need to act a certain way, they need to show up a certain way. Because then if they don't, they feel, “unsafe”, like their nervous system, in a nutshell, feels unsafe, and people-pleasing, can manifest and many different ways. And you know, you might think to yourself, if you're a people pleaser, or struggling with this, you might be thinking, if I can please you and be all the things that you want, then I will have friends, or then I'll have the relationship that I want. Or then I can find my way into the space, and so on and so forth. When you do that, what that does is it makes you go further and further away from who you truly are, and how you want to show up and who you want to be. And as you grow up and get older, it just keeps taking you further and further away from who you're meant to be because you end up becoming obsessed with who you think everyone else wants you to be. I don't know if you can relate to any of that. I'm sure you can. But being a peacekeeper is another form of people pleasing. And that's exactly how I lived my life. Right? Never wanting to ruffle any feathers. Keep the Peace Be the one who keeps the peace with everyone in the family, keep the peace and the friendships and the other relationships that you have. No one asked me to do this. But this was just my identity that I took on from very, very early on.
But if you're struggling with this, then we have to take a step back and ask Alright, so how can I now take this and use the parts of it that have actually helped me in life, right, because it's not all bad. Because you know, being likable, especially if you're in business is a skill, it is going to events where you don't know anyone and then going up and talking to people that you don't know. And making conversation is a skill. So you can acknowledge how this has helped you in certain areas of your life. But then there are also other times where this didn't serve you. Where it has really stopped you from being the person who you want to be. And a big one that I had to work through was to stop really believing that I thought I knew what was going on in everyone else's head. Because the bullshit stories that always tripped me up and my people-pleasing days revolved around things like, what is this person going to think of me if I do, or if I say XYZ if I do the wrong thing. Or if I ruffle some feathers or cause disappointment, then I won't be liked or I won't be loved as much. That is the story that was going on in my head with my people-pleasing days.
Honestly, one of the most destructive things I think that we do is tell ourselves a story about what we think others think of ourselves. Because whether you're right or you're wrong with that story, let's be honest, you'll probably likely never really know what was going on in this other person's head. And yeah, okay, I know that sometimes that you do have confrontation, and you find that stuff out. But most of the time, it's just you making up a story in your head about it. And so how is obsessing over this and deciding how you're going to live your life going to serve you? It's not. And truthfully, if you're going to spend all this time making up a negative made-up story, then you may as well spend the time and energy making up a good story instead, right? It's a simple choice. It really is. And the reason why the stories that we tell ourselves about what people are thinking about us ties into people pleasing how it relates to it, is because we typically create these stories about people based on what we think that they want us to do, or things that they want us to say even if they didn't say it or ask for it. Or if you find yourself doing things for others for example, when you take a step back, are you doing these things for others because you want to at your core and it's who you are? Or is it you thinking okay, if I do all these things, then they'll love me more than they'll like me more than I'll be accepted more. Which one is it? If your intention is to love on people without ever expecting anything in return them that is genuine that's pure right? But when you start making decisions because you're hoping that this decision is going to affect how someone treats you in return. Now you're in the people pleasing trap. Maybe this is why I majored in psychology in college because I was just always so fascinated with the mind and why people behave and think the way that they do. People pleasing is a thing. And it will affect every area of your life. But all I know is that if you start to show up as who you think they want, you start to slowly remove pieces of yourself. And then the more you give away, the harder it is to find and get back again. So start thinking, I'm not going to worry about what I think their opinion of me is, I'm just going to do my thing. And I'm going to try to be honoring to myself, and to who I truly am and what I truly want.
So I'm going to give you just a couple of tips here, to end this that can help you try to work through these people-pleasing tendencies, because they've been there forever, they don't just all of a sudden pop up out of nowhere, when you're 40 years old, stems way back from when you were a child, and you can work through them, and you can overcome them. And yeah, of course, like I said, they will always try to creep up on you, you never fully get over it. But you can definitely improve it. So that way you can live your best life and be the best version of yourself. And really just be true to who you are. And be your authentic self. That is what that means when people say, Be your authentic self, you're not able to really show the world who you truly are, if you're constantly trying to live a life to please others and be accepted by others all the time.
So here are six tips to work through people pleasing. Number one, start by getting a therapist or counselor or someone to talk to. Now I remember, like 10 years ago, when I first started out on my entrepreneurial journey, I don't know if you've ever heard of Chalene Johnson, but she said smart people have a therapist. And I believe that. So start there.
The second one is recognize and become aware, when you start to do this. And take note of when you're starting to prioritize others needs over your own, just even just becoming aware that you're doing it is going to help you start to overcome it and work through it.
The third one, and this one was really hard for me practice saying “No”, without feeling guilty. I had such a hard time with this because I was the person where you know, you don't want to let people down. You think if you say no to something, or you don't want to go out or you don't want to meet someone here you don't want to whatever it is, you feel like if you don't call, then they're gonna think negatively of me, or they're gonna think I'm being selfish, or they're going to lose respect in me or whatever it is. And so I would just say literally yes to everything, even if I was miserable and didn't want to go. So practice saying no more without feeling guilty. And obviously, you're not going to all of a sudden, like flip a switch and start saying no to everything. We don't want to come across as you know, a bitch or anything like that. But if there's something that truly isn't in alignment with you, or you feel like your boundaries are being crossed, and you're being stretched too thin, say no.
The fourth one is to do something that fills your cup and makes you happy. Whether that's some form of self-care or getting back into a hobby that you love that you haven't done in a long time, because you haven't been able to make the time for it is different for everyone. But what this will do is reinforce how important your needs are.
The fifth one is to practice speaking up with confidence. This was something else that was it's really hard for people pleasers to do this to speak up because again, they don't want to ruffle feathers, they don't want anyone to think negatively of them or talk down about them or be disappointed in them. And so if you're a people pleaser, you're very much the type of person that will just stand back in the crowd. And you will let the conversation take on and even if it's something that you don't agree with, you won't have the confidence to speak up. So I'm challenging you to start to become aware of this and pay attention to it and start to speak up and just voice your opinion with confidence. And the more you do it, the more you'll be able to do it and the more confident you will become because of it and it won't feel as uncomfortable as time goes on.
And the last one number six is to challenge any negative thought or belief that enters your mind. Now, something I can give you completely for free is my Think This, Not That workbook. You can download it you can go right to kathireuter.com/thinkthisnotthat. I will also put in the show notes. And it has 19 of the most common negative or limiting beliefs that people think that are on repeat in your mind every day. And what you should replace that limiting belief or negative thought with so that you can start to replace these negative thoughts with more positive empowering thoughts. And this is how you rewire your brain. This is how you reprogram a new way thinking because as a people pleaser, or recovering people, pleaser, thinking those negative thoughts and those beliefs don't serve you. And you can change that. And so you can go ahead and you can snag that and you can print it out. And you can get to work on that and practice it every single day.
So, I hope that today's episode helped you if you think somebody else will benefit from it, make sure to share that episode with them as well. And thank you so much for being here. You know, I love you. I think you're awesome. And I will see you the next time. Bye.
