Now before we get going into today's episode, I want to let you know about something that I am really excited about. And you're gonna want to make sure that you tune into this, especially if you are in the network marketing industry or an online entrepreneur; I am running a free workshop on Wednesday, February 8, it's a 50 to 60-minute free training. So if you are in the network marketing industry or an entrepreneur, and you have been wanting to build a six-figure and beyond business, and you really want that to happen this year in 2023, and you want to learn how to do that, and you want to learn how I was able to do that in my first 11 months in business, then you're gonna want to make sure to register for this call.
Like I said, it's totally free. It's 50 to 60 minutes of your time, and it will change the game for you. So to get registered for it, you can just go to kathireuter.com/unleash. So it's kathireuter.com/unleash. And you can get yourself registered and get your spot and share it with a friend who also wants to build a kick-ass six-figure business this year too. And it is going to be a game-changer. So let's dive into today's podcast episode.
Hey, my friend, what is up and welcome back to Do Life Big. Hey. Listen, if you tend to struggle with being a people pleaser, and you have those people-pleaser tendencies, then you've definitely tuned in to the right episode. Because today, we are diving into that topic. And, you know, I always like to share how I've worked through these struggles in my life, versus just come on here and be like, “Hey, so this is what you should do to get over being a people pleaser, and follow these tips, and yadda yadda yadda.” I like to show and share with you that, hey, I've also struggled with this as well in my life, but I've worked my way through it, and I am still working on it. And I'm just kinda here to share it all with you.
So with that being said, Listen, I totally get it. I really do. We all want to be liked, right? We all want to be liked. We all want to be loved. We all want to be accepted. But there's a big difference between being likable and not being your true self out of fear of being disliked or not accepted. And if you currently know me right now in life, right, you might be thinking, “Oh, well, you know, that's easy for you to say, Kathi, you know, you're so outgoing, you're so happy and confident and positive. And, you know, you just say and do whatever you want. You just can't relate to what I'm going through. It just was probably just easy for you to be like this like maybe you were just born like this.”
But honestly, what you don't know about me is that I am a recovering people pleaser. So I do get it, I get it. Trust me. I lived almost my whole life up until 10 years ago, doing and saying whatever I needed to just to be accepted or liked. Over analyzing every word that was in my head, before letting any of them out out of fear of not being liked. I never wanted to be the person to ruffle feathers or cause conflict or to be the one to speak up if I had a different opinion or suggestion about something out of fear of what others would say or think about me.
I really did lack that self-esteem back then. But all I was doing was covering up and pushing down who I really was. And I never let myself just be Kathi. I guess I just didn't have the confidence to just be me. And I didn't understand either, that it doesn't matter what you do. Someone will always be upset and not happy with you because you can't please everyone. You really can't. It's just not possible. So you might as well just be you. And please yourself, make yourself be happy. And so you can imagine I'm thinking about how I was this people pleaser living my life this way for so long up until I was 30 years old. You can imagine how hard it was for me when I started my online business nine years ago. And I got a ton of criticism, passive-aggressive comments from people, naysayers, just a lot of negativity around me actually being able to have success with this new business I had just started.
I hear people say things like, “Hey, well guess what, you know, you're overweight. So how you expect to help anybody with their health and fitness" or, "you know absolutely nothing about business? There's no way that you can be successful with this, it's just not possible". Or, "This is so stupid, you should just go back to your teaching jobs since that's what you went to college for". And don't get me wrong, that those comments, they definitely did sting initially. Initially, they did. They had me thinking for just a split second, for sure. And second-guessing myself for just a split second. Because I was so used to living this life of just shrinking down and following suit to what everyone else did or said. I was never confident, or bold enough to just be me, and do what I wanted to do. And my most predictable reaction to these naysayers would have been to just listen to them, to believe them. And then just not even bother with building this new business.
But I really needed this business to work at the time, because it was either make this business work so I can be home with the kids, which is what I really wanted, or put the kids in daycare and return to teaching. And there was just no way that was going to happen. And I also did truly have this feeling deep down in my gut that I could freakin do this, and that I would be successful at it. So that feeling was always there. Deep down. You ever have that gut feeling like, you know you're meant for more like, you know you could be great at something, or you feel it in your heart that this is meant to be for sure. Like, I know that this is meant to be like this is the path I'm supposed to go down. But then because of your inner people pleaser, you let that negative feedback from them stop you. Can you relate to that? This is how I lived most of my life.
But this time, I couldn't listen. I had to break the cycle - I had to it was my children on the line. It was our life on the line. It was the memories I wanted to create with them. All of that was on the line. And I remember sitting in my car, listening to some old-school 90s Rap, and just kind of talking to myself in the car and in my head. And I was like, you listen, you have two choices, Kathi: You can either continue to be a people pleaser and listen to these other people. You can let their opinions dictate your future, how you live your life and let them have control. Don't even bother with this business. Put the kids back in daycare and return to your teaching job and live a life of regret and guilt. Or you can listen to that inner gut feeling. Remember why you wanted to start this business in the first place. Wrap your brain around the fact that other people's opinions about you don't pay your bills, that it's impossible to always make everyone else happy. That people are going to talk about you no matter what the hell you do. So you might as well just listen to your heart and this one life you have and do what you want. Make this happen. You know, deep down, you have what it takes. So go, get it, and prove them wrong. This is your life.
Why the hell would you waste it and not be who you were really meant to be and do the things you want to do? You only have one shot at this life. There are no redos. And you do have what it takes.
And that's when I said, Screw it. That was the day I said that. That was the day I started to build my thick skin. And you know what, of course, it felt uncomfortable at first, right? Anytime you make any kind of a change or do anything different from what the norm and the routine of what you typically do, it does feel awkward and uncomfortable. So I did feel uncomfortable. But it also felt so freakin good. Because I was doing me. And I actually chose me in what I wanted first, for the first time, versus making decisions in my life based on what I thought everyone else would say and think, or based on what other people told me I should do.
And then, I started to gain the confidence to say no to people and things that weren't serving me versus saying yes to everything and everyone all the time. And if you're a people pleaser, then you know how emotionally draining and stressful it can be. It just burns you out. Right? Like you just feel so drained from it. And I know it's not easy to break this, but it can be done. I lived 30 years of my life this way. But I've been working on this for a solid 10 now, and it's something that you can work on to and you can get better at.
So what I wanted to do was I wanted to share with you 8 tips to help you to get out of that people pleaser mode. And start living life really on your terms, being who you truly are and who you were meant to be doing the things that you truly want to do that fulfill you, versus listening to everybody and everything else.
So Tip #1. I want you to be okay with being alone and realize that you do have a choice. So just being aware of that is a great place to start. And when I say be okay being alone, I mean spending some time alone thinking about what your priorities are. For me, there's nothing more important than time with my children, and I wanted to be home with them. It was a priority to me so I couldn't let my people-pleasing tendencies stop me from making that happen.
Tip #2. Think about the people that you spend the most time with. I really want you to think about this. Are they positive? are they negative? Do they help bring you energy? Or do they drain you? When you hang out with them? Do you leave those situations feeling better? Or worse? Do they encourage, support, and cheer you on? Or do they knock your dreams and goals down and make you feel less than. What types of people? Do you want to spend your time with? This is everything. You might need to reevaluate your inner circle. That's okay. For me, I had to learn the hard way. Because some of the friends who I initially thought were my closest friends were actually the ones who were never there to support me. And real friends will never do that. They will always uplift you. Especially the ones who have already achieved their dreams are on the path to growth, and they feel truly fulfilled and happy with themselves; they will always cheer you on.
Tip #3. Make sure that you are setting boundaries, and be vocal about what it is and isn't okay behavior to you in terms of how you want to be treated. You know, listen, it might be scary to tell people that the way they're talking to you or treating you is not okay and that you aren't going to tolerate it anymore. But you deserve to be respected. And you're worthy of that respect right now. And remember, people, treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. So be okay if certain relationships drift apart. Especially if they're not serving you. If certain people get angry or defensive about it, it's probably most likely because they've been taking advantage of the fact that you just are a people pleaser. And you have this people-pleasing lifestyle. And they've been feeding off of it.
Tip #4. Be okay saying no. Right? This was something that I did struggle with a lot, I would say feel like anytime anybody asked me to go anywhere with them, do anything with them, do anything for them help them out, I had to always say yes out of fear of them not liking me or losing the friendship - it's just exhausting. You can't do that. So if you need some phrases to repeat to yourself, if you tend to be someone who is always saying yes, and you're just overextending yourself doing more than you can handle; You can say some of these phrases to yourself, I'm allowed to say no, and it's okay. Or each time I say no to something, or someone else, I'm saying yes to me and my needs. Or you could say “Hey, not my circus, not my monkeys.” Right? Some people feel like they have to get so involved in other people's problems. Like they have to be the one to come running to the rescue, to fix the problems all the time. So any person that they know who has an issue, they're always heavily involved in it. Right? Not my circus, not my monkeys. Or I don't need to explain myself to anyone. And lastly, I'm the guardian of my time and energy. Okay?
Tip #5. Be okay asking for help. I still struggle with this one a lot. This is probably the one I struggle with the most because I like to do everything on my own. But I realized that I can't. No one can do everything on their own. We're so busy, right? We have houses, children, businesses, spouses, just so much going on all the time; you cannot do it all on your own. It's okay to ask for help. So I'm working on this one even to this day. But I am getting better and better at asking for help.
So, for example, I had it in my head that, alright, I'm a stay-at-home mom right now. I mean, I also am an entrepreneur. But number one, I am a stay-at-home mom. And so I'm home during the day with Keegan. And in my little brain. I'm like, Okay, I'm home with him. I'm going to spend all this time with him during the day. I'm going to hang out with them, play with him, whatever I need to do. And then, when he goes down for a nap, I will do my workout, do some work for the business if I have time, but if not, I'll just save all my work tonight. And I realized that, you know, I just cannot do that. I have to allow myself some time during the day to get some work done because there's just so much of it that needs to be done all the time. And I don't want to stay up super late every single night. And so I made sure to set a plan in place where I have a babysitter that comes a couple of times a week for a couple of hours in the morning, and I go to my friend's restaurant, and I sit down, and I get some work done for a couple of hours, and then I come home, and then I do the stay at home mom thing. And it just feels so much better doing that. So don't be afraid to ask for help. Okay?
Tip #6. Stop always apologizing for things that aren't your fault. And you have no control over it, right? It's so easy to just be like, “Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Oh, sorry, sorry.” But it's like, what exactly are you sorry for, right? And I always tell this to my kids. I always tell them that, “Hey, listen, unless you did something to hurt someone, maybe you said something that hurt their feelings,” maybe you, God forbid, intentionally did something we all know kids can do this, then that's when you should say you're sorry. Or if somebody comes to you and said, “Hey, you know, it really hurt my feelings when you said this? Or did this, or it really bothered me when you did this? Or said this or when you reacted this way?” Okay, fine. You can apologize and say you're sorry. But you don't want just to go around saying sorry, all the time for no reason. Right? So, for example, say you decide that you want to go out to this restaurant that's new to the area, and you invite your good friends, and you're like, “Hey, let's go on a double date. Let's try this new restaurant, supposed to be really, really good.” And you go out, you sit down, you order your food, the food comes out, and your friends' meal comes out totally wrong. And your very first reaction is to say, “Oh, I'm so sorry,” right? Instead of saying you're sorry because it wasn't your fault. You didn't do it. Yet, you feel like it's your fault, because you were the one who recommended the restaurant, right? So you want them to have a good experience. You want their meal to be good. Instead, say, “Oh, man, I'm so sorry that that happened to you.” Or maybe you might not say, man. That's how I talk. But you know, “Hey, I'm so sorry that that happened to you, right? It's no big deal, they're gonna go in the back, and they're gonna make the right meal, and it's gonna come out, it's gonna be fine.” Right? Little things like that.
Tip #7. Focus on positive self-talk and celebrate your small wins during this process. So keep reminding yourself during this process that you're doing a good job. I swear to God, like, I am constantly talking to myself in my head this way. I am constantly saying with everything I'm doing and everything I'm learning, and I'm learning a lot of new things recently. I'm constantly saying you're doing a good job, you're doing the best that you can. And I'm just kind of, you know, hyping myself up. So start just saying little phrases like that in your mind.
And the last tip, tip #8. Personal development, I'm telling you, this is everything. And I remember that back in the day, about 10 years ago, my husband was heavily into personal development. He went to school and got his MBA in entrepreneurship. And he was on to personal development. And I totally made fun of him for it and said it was stupid. And who the heck wants to focus on personal growth? This is such a waste of time. Like, I just want to read the People magazines and look through all the gossipy things about the celebrities, and we're already good people. Why do you want to focus on getting better, right? This was my naive little brain.
But I didn't get into personal development until I started my online business nine years ago because it's impossible to help other people and to grow a business if you are not personally growing and working on yourself. This is why I always tell people, ever since nine years ago, when I started personal development, that you have to work harder on yourself and on your mindset than any other areas of your life. Everything else falls into place, if you do that first and you make that a priority.
And so doing that personal development helped me realize and helped me also see that this whole people pleaser thing that I had, where I was looking almost internally at myself, like, you know what's wrong with me? Like, what is it me? Like, why are they saying things to me, like are why aren't they being supportive of me? I'm supportive of them. I'm so happy for them when something good happens. But why is it not reciprocated? I didn't understand and started until I started doing personal development that when people treat you that way, it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.
It's an internal conflict and internal struggle that they have going on that they're trying to work through. And you're just the easy target right there. And that happens a lot when you're in relationships just in general, where one person is focused on growth. And the other people are just staying exactly where they are, if not going backwards. And so, personal development, I would highly recommend like you're listening to this podcast right now. That is personal development. Listening to stuff like podcasts. I listen to Audible all the time, which are books that you can listen to. I don't actually have time to sit down and read. But I will listen to podcasts or to Audible books when I'm in the shower or when I'm getting ready in the morning, or when I'm driving the kids to school to and from school, or when I'm folding laundry in the house, like any chance I can get. I am listening to personal development and not like stupid crap that isn't gonna help me become a better person. Right? Like I'm talking that focus on self-improvement, self-help books, I guess you could call it self-help. So that is really important.
So start small. Nothing changes overnight. So small changes adding up over time, is what's going to lead to the big changes in your life that you will see. So just to recap, the eight tips to help yourself come out of being that people pleaser is:
1. Just be okay with being alone, figuring out what your top priorities are.
2. Look at the people who you are hanging around with. Who do you spend the most time with? Are they positive or negative? Are they serving you?
3. Make sure you're setting boundaries with how people are allowed to treat you.
4. Be okay saying “no.”
5. Be okay asking for help.
6. Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault and you have no control over.
7. Focus on that positive self-talk and celebrate your small wins.
8. Do personal development as much as possible that focus on self-improvement.
And remember, you can't be everything to everyone. And when you operate this way, the only person who truly suffers is yourself. You end up putting yourself and your needs on the back burner. And it's impossible to show up as the best wife or mom or friend or sister etc if you put yourself last all the time.
And at the end of the day, there's one opinion of you that matters more than the others. And that's yours. And you have one life to live. You're meant to be the best version of you - To be the unique you that you were created to be. And the greatest gift that you can give yourself is letting go of others people's expectations for your life.
So I hope that you enjoyed today's episode. Hey, listen, please spread the word. Share this podcast with one friend right now before you get carried on with your day and get busy. And I hope you have an awesome day. You know, I think you're awesome. You know, I love you. And I will see you the next time. Alright, bye.
